Taisa Lúcia Berlingieri (photo) is a psychologist, grief therapist and mortuary owner. She was born into a Spiritist family in the Brazilian city of Jaboticabal, in the state of São Paulo. She is a member of the Universal Spiritist Centre, where she works as a volunteer Gospel teacher for children. In the following interview, she speaks about her experience dealing with grief and mourning.  

What are the most common and strongest reactions from families in grief?

Denial, anger, the lack of social support and the distress caused by the intense pain generated by the loss of their loved ones. When people come to therapy for the first time, they are so lost, so scared and so overcome by profound pain that they can’t see any perspective of happiness in the future. Many taboos, social habits and stigmas surround death in our society and they prevent people from dealing with grief properly. People believe, for instance, that if they don’t cry they will show they are strong and they are coping well. They also try to get over the mourning period too quickly to resume social activities and show other people that they have been able to overcome the pain. On the other hand, they believe that by resuming their normal lives they will be betraying the person who passed away. I often say that the death of someone we love is like a scar: we will always remember that moment and we won’t be the same again, but it is possible to do things in a different way. We will live and will be happy again, albeit in a different way.

How does your family experience as mortuary owners affect the way you deal with death and grief?

From a very early age, I learned with my parent that it is important to respect and care for those going through that experience, which is certainly the most difficult time in the life of any human being. We need to try to understand any reaction and needs that people may have in those circumstances without judging them. My family sees the whole process as sacred: from the moment you welcome and embrace the family to the treatment of the body and the posthumous tributes and farewell, as well as the psychological therapy to help them deal with their grief.

Has your belief in Spiritism had any impact on how you deal with that matter?

One of the most important factors to regain your strength during that process is to have faith and some belief in spirituality. I try to understand the set of beliefs each patient has regarding life and death and I work with them based on their perspective. I feel that people feel attracted to Spiritism because it can comfort their hearts with its explanations about life after death. It gives us guarantees that we will meet again, at the right time, and that the bonds of true love will never be broken. Spiritism brings hope and in times like that hope is the best medicine.

What would you like to share with us from your experience helping people dealing with the loss of their loved ones?

It is amazing the peace people find when they understand that there is a time, which is not pre-set, for the suffering to end. That pain will change into a different feeling, of wanting to reunite with that person, and life will brighten up again.  

What aspect of dealing with grief is more painful to you as a psychologist?

It is to see the distress, suffering and uncertainties from those facing a new road ahead where they will be without the physical presence of their loved ones. The perspective of nothingness, the void and the ‘never again’ get people completely lost and scared. These are intense feelings of pain and sadness.

And as a Spiritist?

It is to realise that the person who stays and the Spirit who departs both miss each other and feel intense pain. We must show gratitude for the time we have spent together and understand that it’s not wrong or forbidden to cry when we miss the other person. But we must bear in mind that tears of anger always have a negative impact both on those who stay and on the person who has returned to the Spirit World.

If you put yourself in the place of the person suffering from grief, how would you feel?

It is important to go through the process of grief and mourning with all the emotions involved. That includes all that feelings I mentioned before: denial, sadness, crying, anger and refusal to accept. But the difference in the vibrations we send to the person who returned to Spirit lies in whether we move on or stay with those feelings for a long time. We have to understand that we will miss our loved ones, that they will remain alive in our memories and that they are alive on the other side of life.

Is there anything else you would like to add?

The best way to help is to respect the time each person has for overcoming their grief. People should be able to speak more openly about the moment of death. We must break taboos and share our feelings about death. That is something most of us avoid but we will all have to deal with it eventually, sometime in life. Finally, I would say: don’t miss the opportunity to look after those near you, to say you love them and to be around them. When the time comes for the temporary separation, the happy memories and the feeling that you have done your best will be a blessing and help you heal your pain.