Perla Cristina Frangioti Machado (photo) is a volunteer worker at the Portal da Luz Spiritist Centre, in the Brazilian city of Araraquara, in the state of São Paulo. She has talked to us about how she has dealt with the death of her second daughter, nine months into her pregnancy. In the following interview, she explains the different stages that followed her death and the lessons learned.
Tell us about the “losses” in your family.
My father passed away 11 years ago and my mother, 3 years ago. I have two brothers alive. My mother lost three children during pregnancy. I am a married woman and the mother of two daughters: Clara, who is six, and Heloísa (stillborn 9 months into my pregnancy; she would have been 3 on February 19th, 2020).
What were your first reactions when you find out your daughter had been stillborn?
After her death was confirmed, I got into a state of shock. But at the same time I felt a strong sense of peace. I didn’t get angry at what had happened. I felt a huge pain, as you can’t describe in words. It was a physical pain that I felt, suffocating me! My feelings were so ambiguous and, despite everything, I felt really balanced. The compulsive crying of the first days changed slowly into something calmer, but it would come back with all its force from time to time, helping cleanse my soul.
How did Spiritism help you in that process of healing?
I found Spiritism when I was 18. During those difficult days that followed my daughter’s death, many passages of the Gospel According to Spiritism came up to my mind, especially chapter 5 (Blessed are the Afflicted). I read it many times, also in New Testament. Those passages were very comforting and helped me understand what I was going through.
How did you deal with the pain of losing your daughter as time went by?
Grieving is hard work. It’s something you have to deal with every day, going through all its phases. Sometimes they come up in isolation, one by one. Other times, more than one of those phases manifest at the same time. We, Spiritists, are not exempt from any of them! I had the help from people who understood my pain and never asked me to “get over it.” That was essential in my process of recovery. Most people do the opposite. They say things like “it was better that way,” “God knows what He’s doing,” “at least you have another daughter,” “at least you never heard her crying and didn’t have time to bond,” and “you’re young and will soon have another child.” All that was said with the best of intentions, but they caused even more pain and delayed the process of healing that leads to a meaning to our lives again.
Based on your experience, what would you say to the mothers who are facing or have faced the same situation?
As Chico Xavier said in that famous quote: Everything passes! Good days as well as bad days will pass! But in order to let them “pass” we need to understand and look after that pain. Our faith, whatever our religion is, will help us only if we accept that we are human and are allowed to have all sorts of feelings. Our faith will get in the way of recovery, however, if we hold beliefs that we are not allowed to feel pain or that we are being punished for something we did. Healing is a difficult process. At times it will feel like we are getting worse and relapsing again, as we will cry a lot. There will be days when we will feel really low. But when we finally heal, those dark periods (, which will always remain around us,) will be shorter and less frequent.
Seek help! Look for true friends, for support groups or professionals. Discover or rediscover something you like to do! Find a purpose in life and swear by it! Be happy! As St Agustin said in his message: “Life has the same meaning that it always did, as the thread has not been cut off. Why would I disappear from your thoughts now just because I have disappeared from your sight?”
Because of this event in your life, you ended up getting closer to other mothers, who set up a support group. Tell us more about it.
It doesn’t gather only mothers! It is a group made up of people who offered us a friendly shoulder, of fathers and brothers who also had to say goodbye to their loved ones. It also includes healthcare professionals who want to learn better ways of offering support in the future in similar situations. Going through such a painful experience changes all of us and makes us reflect on many aspects of the world! Whoever goes through this will never be the same person!
Everyone is welcome to join the Group Transformação (Transformation Group). It’s a secular group, which opens the doors to everyone. We meet once a month in person and through social media. Our website is www.grupotransformacao.com.br The phone number is + 55 16 981353685. To access our Facebook page, please click here
What is the main lesson you have learned from that process?
I have realised how unprepared our society is to deal with death, especially with the death of a baby during pregnancy or soon after birth. How many taboos we still have surrounding that issue!
Bearing in mind your knowledge of Spiritism, what assessment do you make of what happened to you?
As a friend of mine said during the Spiritual treatment I went through, “pain cannot be an anchor,” and “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” Be resilient. If something like this has happened to you, it must be because you are able to learn the best possible lesson from all the pain involved in the process. Believe in yourself! |
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