Positive relationships
keep people happier and
healthier, helping them
live longer... and well!
Cicero had just arrived
home, accompanied by his
wife, after another
exhausting day of work.
Life, in his opinion,
was calm, and routine
was moving along the
path of normality. He
took care of his diet,
exercised and had a good
job, which gave him some
security for future
projects. The couple
discussed plans together
quite frequently and
carried out many of
their daily activities
side by side.
During the working
hours, each person at
their job, it was common
for them to exchange
messages, checking in on
how the other was doing.
Cicero, however, had
noticed a certain
distance from his wife
recently, both in person
and virtually. “She must
just be tired,” he
thought, and tried to
respect her space.
That day, however, the
indifference saddened
him, and he decided that
he would not look for
her. He would let her
take the initiative.
The morning passed,
nothing. The afternoon
passed, nothing. When
they arrived home, while
he was organizing his
things, an unexpected
hug surprised him. And
he was filled with joy,
well-being, relief...
which was short-lived,
as the hug was soon
followed by the dreaded
sentence: “We need to
talk.”
Separation? Why? What
happened? What did I do?
“I just don't love you,”
she summed up, throwing
him the heavy and sudden
bombshell after seven
years of marriage, which
he thought were happy
years.
Earlier on the same day,
Paulo, a great friend of
Cicero, had required him
— and not invited — to
go out at night to talk.
“I'll come by, wait for
me,” and he didn't give
any details. At the
agreed time, Paulo
parked the car in front
of Cicero's house, who
tried to hide the
sadness that consumed
him.
“Now you can cry on my
shoulder,” Paulo told
him. “Why?” Cicero still
tried to smile,
considering it a joke.
“I already know what
happened,”the friend
confessed to him.
That afternoon, Cicero's
wife had already told
Alice, Paulo's
girlfriend, that she
would ask for a divorce.
The latter, anticipating
that his friend would
need help, anticipated,
took the initiative, and
offered his time,
without thinking, making
himself present. Being
an introvert, Cicero
would probably take a
while to open up to
someone about the
problem.
After the unexpected
conversation, the
marital union did not
find the strength to
sustain itself and ended
within the next five
days, when Cicero’s wife
left home permanently.
Faced with this fact,
Paulo repeated the same
procedure in the
following weeks, two to
three times a week,
until he was sure that
Cicero had found his
feet again and could
move on with his life.
Today, Cícero is well,
happy, and recognizes
his friend's selfless
attitude. He will be
eternally grateful to
Paulo.
***
What is the key to
happiness? For eons,
humanity has been
racking its brains
trying to find the path
that provides a
fulfilling life, with a
lasting sense of
well-being and joy.
However, we think about
happiness, here on
Earth, in the wrong way.
We project it into some
achievement (a dream
job; a better salary;
intense love, etc.) and
we imagine that, upon
achieving the
achievement, the state
of happiness will be
full and constant.
However, now immersed in
the stage of trials and
expiations, compatible
with our evolutionary
level, we had already
been warned by Jesus
(John, 16:33) that “in
the world you will have
afflictions,” informing
us that our faith would
inevitably be put to the
test. “But be of good
cheer, I have overcome
the world,” ensuring
that no sadness is
eternal.
Furthermore, perhaps we
should pay more
attention to the
Master’s noble
recommendation (Matthew,
6:20): “But lay up for
yourselves treasures in
heaven, where neither
moth nor rust destroys,
and where thieves do not
break through or steal.”
What are the treasures
of heaven? Everything
that we truly make grows
in our soul and,
therefore, is
imperishable.
In this sense, a
recently released study,
which took 85 years to
complete, tried to
uncover what really
brings happiness to
life.1 Researchers
at Harvard in the US
gathered records from
724 participants from
around the world since
1938 and asked detailed
questions about their
lives every two years.
Many imagined that the
answers revolve around
professional success,
material goods, a
healthy diet, and
constant exercise. Of
course, all of this can
contribute to providing
well-being and a good
quality of life, and
should not be
overlooked, but the
conclusion reached in
the study is that
positive relationships
keep people happier and
healthier, helping them
to live longer ... and
better!
Social Aptitude
Echoing the research
from Harvard University,
clinical psychologist
Marc Schulz, Ph.D. from
the University of
California, whose line
of research is centered
on the dynamics of
relationships in the
context of adult
development, states in
an article published on CNBC’s
portal Make it2 It
is important to work on
what he calls “social
aptitude,” ensuring that
relationships are
healthy and balanced.
“Have you ever noticed
the invigoration you
feel when you believe
that someone really
understands you during a
good conversation? Or
lack of sleep during a
period of romantic
conflict? Social
aptitude requires us to
take stock of our
relationships and be
honest with ourselves
about where we are
devoting our time and
whether we are nurturing
the connections that
help us thrive,” says
Schulz.
It is never too much to
remember that The
Spirits' Book dedicates
an entire chapter to
exploring the Law of
Society, one of the
moral laws presented by
the Spirit of Truth,
emphasizing that we are
social beings and depend
on each other for our
own evolution. Allan
Kardec concludes in a
comment to question 768
of this book: “No man
has complete faculties.
Through social union,
they complement each
other, to ensure
well-being and progress.
That is why, needing
each other, men were
made to live in society
and not in isolation.”
According to Schulz,
there are seven pillars
with which we can assess
the importance and how
we are cultivating our
relationships:
1. Security and
protection. Who
would you turn to in a
time of crisis?
2. Learning and growth. Who
encourages you to try
new things, to take
risks, to pursue your
life goals?
3. Emotional closeness
and trust. Who
knows everything (or
almost everything) about
you? Who can you call
when you're feeling low
and be honest about how
you're feeling?
4. Affirmation of
identity and shared
experience. Is
there someone in your
life who has shared many
experiences with you and
who helps you strengthen
your sense of who you
are?
5. Romantic intimacy. Do
you feel satisfied with
the amount of romantic
intimacy in your life?
6. Help (informative and
practical).
Who do you turn to if
you need some knowledge
or help solving a
practical problem, like
fixing your Wi-Fi?
7. Fun and relaxation. Who
makes you laugh? Who do
you call to see a movie
or go on a trip?
The author emphasizes
that not all pillars can
be found in the same
relationship, but this
is not necessarily a
problem, after all there
is always time to deepen
or develop new
connections. And each
one can provide what we
need, just as we must be
able to provide the
same, exercising
reciprocity.
Concluding our brief
study, and associating
Cicero's story with the
Harvard study, let us
remember question 777
of The Spirits' Book:
“Since man, in the state
of nature, has fewer
needs, he is exempt from
the tribulations that he
creates for himself,
when in a more advanced
state. Given this, what
should we think of the
opinion of those who
consider that state to
be the most perfect
happiness on Earth? -
What do you want! It is
the happiness of the
brute. There are people
who don't understand
others. It's being happy
in the way of animals.
Children are also
happier than grown men.”
Progress and maturity,
both on Earth and in
true, spiritual life,
present us with
increasingly more
challenges and it is by
facing them that we hone
our virtues. Despite
being complicated and
sometimes seemingly
unsolvable, we must not
shy away from overcoming
obstacles, but rather
try to understand why
they came to us, what
their purpose is, just
as we need to understand
the reasons of the other
person who eventually
hurts us. The key to
happiness is to learn to
understand.
1. REDAÇÃO. Esta é a
chave para a felicidade,
segundo estudo de
Harvard que levou 85
anos para ser concluído.
Disponível em: LINK-1 /
Acessed on 24 May 2023.
2. SCHULZ, Marc;
WALDINGER, Robert. An
85-year Harvard study
found the No. 1 thing
that makes us happy in
life: It helps us ‘live
longer’. Disponível
em: LINK-2 /
Acessed on 24 May 2023.
Note from Redação:
This article was
originally published in
RIE – Revista
Internacional de
Espiritismo, from August
2023.
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